Re: updated work rules
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you
may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a
raise.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for
lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a
diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a
picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.
Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not
consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed
will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week
James M Craig 